if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
