does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My bed smells like the plague
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
