I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's rum buckets o'clock
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
