Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
