When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
