How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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