I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
