I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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