im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
