Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
