he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
