The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
