i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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