He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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