1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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