Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
