i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
