I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
