ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
