ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
