you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
me + whiskey = a bad person
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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