hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My liver just had a heart attack.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
