No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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