I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
