i just wanna soil my oats bro
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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