he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
