I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
