nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
