I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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