I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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