dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
