i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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