So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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