I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
