Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
