Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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