My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
