she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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