don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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