I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
