I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
