She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You need Xanax blowdarts
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
