Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
