This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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