well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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