On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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