I look better un-naked...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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