I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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