just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
