Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You had me at "let me see your balls"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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