I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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