remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
