so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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