You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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