It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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