Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
