Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The Olympian is in my bed
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
