Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
