Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
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It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
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i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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